Tag Archives: Sexual Addiction

The night my virginity was restored!

Original post was on 10-10-13

Prior to our wedding night on December 16th, 2012 I had never made love.

It was THE BEST night of my life! I had always thought that “making love” meant going slow, but that term was redefined for me that night. I was so…very, very wrong! One might assume that with a sexual past like mine I would have a solid understanding of what “making love” consisted of, however this path was one I had never walked before…I had nothing to compare this to. For the first time I was genuinely loved for the real me, not just my body or how I performed. It was the fruition of our real love for each other.

We drove to our hotel after the reception was over, strolled into the hotel lobby with our luggage rolling behind us when I started cracking up. My laugh must have been contagious, because he looked over at me and started laughing too. “What are you laughing about?” He chuckled. I giggled and nervously replied “we’re married, we’re in the lobby of OUR hotel, and we’re about to go up to OUR room?!”

A few days before the wedding, he asked me “Michelle, what would you think about waiting until we arrive in Hawaii to consummate our marriage?” “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have WAITED 6 YEARS, 9 MONTHS and 9 DAYS to make love to you!” Actually that’s not what I said, but it was what I thought! I reluctantly agreed after he shared his reasons with me.

Actually, it was kind of nice to have the pressure of the “wedding night” expectations relieved. However, the idea of being unclothed in front of each other for the first time brought anxiety on us both.

Meanwhile, back at the honeymoon suite…I took a deep breath and thought to myself…I AM SO NERVOUS!!! We were standing face to face, well more like face to chest (he’s a foot taller than me) when the time had come to drop my dress, so I mustered up the courage and just did it. As my dress and his jaw dropped simultaneously to the floor, I instinctively rushed to cover my eyes. I laughed uncontrollably-my hands absolutely glued to my face! My brand new husband, recovering from shock, said “WOW, Michelle you are so beautiful” as he nervously checked out his new bride. His gentle way eventually gave me the courage to uncover my face.

That was the night I had looked forward to, yet greatly feared, for many years! “What if I get triggered and my addiction returns?” Here’s the crazy part…I felt like an innocent bride, one that had never been touched by a man. I actually felt more pure that night than I did when I was thirteen. That was the moment I KNEW, without a doubt, that God had truly healed me!

Fast forward: we didn’t wait till Hawaii!!! 😉

So how does a woman who has “crossed the line of no return” have her virginity restored? Continue to “follow me” as I blog the details of how this miracle happened for me and can happen for you or someone you love.

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Walk It Out

I would surrender my sexual addiction several times a day. I did everything I could to get rid of the thoughts and desires, I would sing “Jesus lover of my soul” every time I had a sexual thought or saw a cute guy, so basically I sang that song all the time. I would beg God to deliver me from it “Lord, take it away…I don’t want it! Please Lord…please.”

“I’m sorry Michelle, but this one you’re going to have to walk out.” That was NOT the answer I wanted or believed was in MY best interest.

I questioned why the Lord would not deliver me from the thoughts and desires that seemed to plague me. Was God choosing not to help me?  Did He want me to experience the consequences of my sin?  Was I just born that way?  I began to think of it as a “thorn in my side,” similar to the affliction the Lord declined to deliver the Apostle Paul from. I wasn’t participating in the act of sex, but the pornographic thoughts still ruled my days. Here I was in a Christian rehab setting surrounded by the word of God, prayer, and classes about maintaining a healthy lifestyle, but I still couldn’t look at person without picturing them naked, including the pastor. I felt horrible about myself, I would often think “What is wrong with me?”

The worst part was that NO ONE could relate to my struggle…I was surrounded by women that were comfortably abstinent and didn’t feel the need to have male attention. They thought that I should just “knock it off and get over it.” I felt so alone and ashamed. I even prayed for the gift of celibacy, but never got it. My cravings never went away, they changed, but it was a constant struggle that I had to work on. Time and time again I would surrender it to the Lord and beg Him to take away the desires, but He simply repeated himself while affirming that He was walking beside me WHILE I bore this burden.

I finally decided to ask, “Why Lord? Why won’t you just take this from me? You delivered me from all my other addictions, why not this one? Why do I have to walk it out?”

He replied, Because you will be walking other women out.” Oh…wow! His answer gave my struggle a purpose. It became another motivation that the Lord used to encourage me not to skip any steps in my healing. He knew that He would someday use my experience and the story of my healing to encourage others through similar struggles.  In His infinite wisdom, the Lord did not allow me to take the easy route. He “blessed” me with the burden of having to walk through my healing in order that the ministry He was preparing me for would be legitimate and fruitful.

Since I’ve been set free I’ve encountered many women who share the same struggle I once did. I love that I am able to be used by the Lord as a source of comfort, encouragement and guidance. I longed to have someone in my life that could relate to me and share in my struggle, but that didn’t happen, however I love that am I able to fulfill that role…to be “the someone” these women can relate to and trust to help them navigate the path to becoming Purely His.

Is there something that you’re walking through or healing from that you believe no one understands? Perhaps the Lord wants to use you to blaze a trail for others that are struggling through the same issue you are. I encourage you to look to the Lord for the strength to “Walk it out.” It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, SO THAT we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4