Tag Archives: drug addict

ALL In

Original Post was on Dec. 20, 2013

Surrender done right is not a one-time act, it’s a lifestyle. There is the initial time where you make the choice to go “all in” with the Lord and surrender anything you can think of, but then it’s important to continue in that manner and begin living a life of surrender, by daily giving everything to Him.

On New Year’s Eve 2011 we were having a huge party, Christian style, in other words, no drugs or illicit sex, just a bunch of people having fun together who used to partake in all of that. Everyone was dressed up, everything was decorated and the bass was bumping. It reminded me of my clubbing days, except that I was in my right mind and not intoxicated. Going dancing at clubs used to be my favorite hobby, so giving it up was really tough for me, but I knew I needed to though, because of all that went along with it. I actually started going to dance clubs twice a week from the age of fourteen and it had been 5 years since I had been, so this party was a safe way for me to enjoy something old in a new way.

As I sat at my table catching up with some folks a techno song came on that I used to dance to when I was high on Ecstasy. I instantly felt paralyzed as I stared off into space. It was like I was back there. Most people who use Ecstacy take a half of a pill and sometimes a whole pill for an entire night, however there were many times that I took multiple pills in one night, sometimes as many as five. It still amazes me that I made it out alive. The song reminded me of my second marriage…my ex-husband, you see, he is the one who introduced me to hard drugs which he encouraged me to use with him for the purpose of “spicing things up.” In my healthy frame of mind, I now know that His definition of “spicing things up” is equivalent to what most people would consider to be sick perversion. Due to the drug induced daze I was in, it took me a long time to realize that I had passed from Party Girl to Drug Addict.

I was shaken out of my triggered state as I heard clapping and people chanting my teenage son’s name “Stefan, Stefan, Stefan” I turned around to see that they had made a big circle out of people around him and wanted him to show off his moves. He jumped into the circle and danced to the song that had reminded me of something evil. Without Stefan’s knowledge, God was using him to heal me. Happy tears filled my eyes as I knew the Lord was taking that moment in time to replace an old evil memory with a new innocent one.

We were having a talent show that night and everyone was working on their talent, but I didn’t have anything in mind yet. Then the Lord impressed on my heart to dance for Him to that song. So as the talent show was coming to an end I asked someone to start flickering the lights as if to create a strobe light effect. I had everyone make a huge circle on the dance floor, grabbed the mic and said “Earlier there was a song that played that triggered me really bad to the point of almost ruining my night, but then I saw my kid dance to it. I used to go “all out” in my past for Satan, so tonight I’m going to surrender all that I am and dance for my Savior Jesus Christ.” I made my way into the circle and danced like I’d never danced before, giving all the glory to my Lord. A bunch of my Girls joined me on the floor to show their support. I started bawling. It’s a good thing it was dark, so they couldn’t see my tears. A bunch of my boy’s friends came up to me after and were shocked “Dang, we didn’t know you could dance like that.”    “Ha, ha…there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.”

Once again I chose to surrender all, not holding anything back. I went all in for the Devil in my past and now I needed to do the same for my Savior only in an appropriate way. I even gave Him dancing-one of my favorite things, He changed it and gave it back. What are you still holding onto that the Lord is prompting you to surrender? You’ll be glad you did, I promise.

Purely His

Ladies, when God asks you to embrace someone who is stuck in her hopeless sinful lifestyle, just remember He has big plans for the one He’s asking you to love…plans to give her hope and a future. Take me for example, I was a strung out, desperate woman weighed down by years of horrific sin, pleading with the Lord behind closed doors to deliver me from the hell I lived in.  He answered the cry of my heart by sending Godly women to demonstrate His love, which turned this former meth addict into a ministry leader. The ripple effect of those ladies’ love in action will be felt for generations as the Lord uses me to free other women from the same bondage’s that held me captive. Mentoring women has become my greatest passion… to watch the Lord set them free and then live out the purpose that God has for them.

I would love to reach every Girl personally, but I can’t and I’m not supposed to, because we’re all called to reach different ones. There is no shortage of Girls who desperately need help, rather a huge shortage of women willing to mentor or they just lack the effective tools. You can, and will make a huge difference in someone’s life if you’re willing to allow the Lord to use you. The vast ripple effect starts with a genuine expression of love that’s willing to go the distance…my life is evidence of it.

God has given me the vision to establish “Purely His,” a non-profit ministry designed to train and equip Godly women to effectively mentor with a purpose in support groups and one on one. Purely His, it’s not a program, but a lifestyle…learning to go “all in” with Jesus-not holding anything back. We will be reaching the lost through the lost and raising them up to be all that God has uniquely called them to be. These private groups are orchestrated for women to “drop their masks” and keep it real about the things they don’t feel comfortable sharing in a typical church setting. It’s amazing how quickly women connect when they go deep and it doesn’t seem to matter if their background is different, especially when they’re choosing to go in the same direction.

We are creating Sisterhood Groups for women of all ages to connect on a deep level, hold each other accountable, teach and encourage one another. This ministry is not limited by age, background or struggles, because the diversity helps us learn quicker and it bridges the gap more effectively than if we were only grouped with our peers. This is not a new concept that we have developed, in fact we are only reminding women what the Bible already says. It’s quite simple really…”Follow us as we follow Christ and Older women teach the younger women.”

We are offering retreats and ongoing gatherings to train women to do what I love to do, by experiencing it rather than just taking notes. Mentors will be mentored and be a part of their own Sisterhood, because I’ve found that leaders tend to feel more alone than the rest, because of the mask they think they need to wear. WRONG. How do I know this?? Personal experience and my friends who are also in leadership share the same frustration.

The three biggest complaints I hear about church is “No one is real. No one goes deep and I feel alone.”  Now we could wait for the church as a whole to change or we can decide to be the church and be the change we yearn to see. If you’re interested in starting a group like this or being part of one then contact us through our website www.purelyhisministry.com. We would love to have you join us as we venture to change our communities one Girl at a time for the glory and honor of our Lord!

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

The New Me

I can’t say they didn’t warn me, but I can say I didn’t believe them. “Of course my family is going to know I’ve changed. I don’t look the same, talk the same and I’m clean and sober.” Complete strangers would shake their head in disbelief when I shared pieces of my past, saying “I can’t even imagine you in that other life. You are nothing like that now.” I was ministering to women left and right who would seek me out for Godly advice, however, my families’ reaction to the “The New Me” was much different.

Their actions and words would imply, “Don’t forget where you came from. We know you Michelle. We know what you’ve done and who you are. This little Christian thing is just a phase, so we’re not buying it.” Their look of disgust, unbelief and judgment caused me to doubt my growth, besides they DID know me better than the people who just met me. “Maybe they’re right?”

If no one has shared this with you yet…take it from me, don’t expect your family to welcome the “New You” back with open un-skeptical arms, especially if you went away to make the changes, like prison or rehab. You know you’ve changed, the staff knows you’ve changed, but more importantly God knows. Complete strangers will accept your word and the changes you’ve made a lot quicker than those closes to you and that is totally normal.

I believe that some of the possible reasons for their unbelief is that the “Old You” hurt them and now they’re guarded against the possibility of getting hurt again. Some aren’t comfortable with the “New You” so they want the “Old You” back, even though they didn’t like the “Old You” either. They might think you’re just “running game” on them by trying to “act” like you’ve changed. Or maybe your new life convicts them to change their life like you did? Whatever the case may be, the changes you made are real, so don’t let others make you doubt yourself.

Something that comforted me while going through this was that Jesus could relate to the rejection and frustration I was experiencing, expect that He never sinned against anyone like I did. In Matthew 13:54-58 it says, He returned to Nazareth, His hometown. When He taught there in the synagogue, everyone was amazed and said, “Where does he get this wisdom and the power to do miracles?” Then they scoffed, “He’s just the carpenter’s son, and we know Mary, his mother, and his brothers—James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas. All his sisters live right here among us. Where did he learn all these things?” And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in Him. Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in His own hometown and among His own family.” And so He did only a few miracles there because of their unbelief.

Once I realized that Jesus understood the discouragement and rejection I felt, it made things a little easier. He encouraged me to minister to those He put in my path, while continuing to grow so my family could witness the change over time. I think my family, at least most of them have come to trust that this whole “Christian Thing” isn’t just a phase I’m going through. Hopefully, my changed life ministers to them, but it took years for them to stop looking at me like I was still that drug addict slut, who chose men over her children and lived for her own pleasure.

As you are changing and growing in the Lord, remember that your family may not believe that you’re sincere for quite some time. They may think it’s a phase or that you’re trying to pull a fast one on them…again. Don’t expect them to accept the “New You” right away because trust that’s been broken, takes time to heal. Take heart though because God sees the changes and Jesus knows exactly how you feel. Your family will eventually come around, because a transformed life cannot be denied. It’s not about where you come from and what others think of you, rather it matters who you belong to and what He thinks of you, so keep living for His approval not theirs.

All In

Surrender done right is not a one-time act, it’s a lifestyle. There is the initial time where you make the choice to go “all in” with the Lord and surrender anything you can think of, but then it’s important to continue in that manner and begin living a life of surrender, by daily giving everything to Him.

On New Year’s Eve 2011 we were having a huge party, Christian style, in other words, no drugs or illicit sex, just a bunch of people having fun together who used to partake in all of that. Everyone was dressed up, everything was decorated and the bass was bumping. It reminded me of my clubbing days, except that I was in my right mind and not intoxicated. Going dancing at clubs used to be my favorite hobby, so giving it up was really tough for me, but I knew I needed to though, because of all that went along with it. I actually started going to dance clubs twice a week from the age of fourteen and it had been 5 years since I had been, so this party was a safe way for me to enjoy something old in a new way.

As I sat at my table catching up with some folks a techno song came on that I used to dance to when I was high on Ecstasy. I instantly felt paralyzed as I stared off into space. It was like I was back there. Most people who use Ecstacy take a half of a pill and sometimes a whole pill for an entire night, however there were many times that I took multiple pills in one night, sometimes as many as five. It still amazes me that I made it out alive. The song reminded me of my second marriage…my ex-husband, you see, he is the one who introduced me to hard drugs which he encouraged me to use with him for the purpose of “spicing things up.” In my healthy frame of mind, I now know that His definition of “spicing things up” is equivalent to what most people would consider to be sick perversion. Due to the drug induced daze I was in, it took me a long time to realize that I had passed from Party Girl to Drug Addict.

I was shaken out of my triggered state as I heard clapping and people chanting my teenage son’s name “Stefan, Stefan, Stefan” I turned around to see that they had made a big circle out of people around him and wanted him to show off his moves. He jumped into the circle and danced to the song that had reminded me of something evil. Without Stefan’s knowledge, God was using him to heal me. Happy tears filled my eyes as I knew the Lord was taking that moment in time to replace an old evil memory with a new innocent one.

We were having a talent show that night and everyone was working on their talent, but I didn’t have anything in mind yet. Then the Lord impressed on my heart to dance for Him to that song. So as the talent show was coming to an end I asked someone to start flickering the lights as if to create a strobe light effect. I had everyone make a huge circle on the dance floor, grabbed the mic and said “Earlier there was a song that played that triggered me really bad to the point of almost ruining my night, but then I saw my kid dance to it. I used to go “all out” in my past for Satan, so tonight I’m going to surrender all that I am and dance for my Savior Jesus Christ.” I made my way into the circle and danced like I’d never danced before, giving all the glory to my Lord. A bunch of my Girls joined me on the floor to show their support. I started bawling. It’s a good thing it was dark, so they couldn’t see my tears. A bunch of my boy’s friends came up to me after and were shocked “Dang, we didn’t know you could dance like that.”    “Ha, ha…there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.”

Once again I chose to surrender all, not holding anything back. I went all in for the Devil in my past and now I needed to do the same for my Savior only in an appropriate way. I even gave Him dancing-one of my favorite things, He changed it and gave it back. What are you still holding onto that the Lord is prompting you to surrender? You’ll be glad you did, I promise.

A Lesson in Waiting

Standing in the parking lot of the “Victory Outreach” women’s home in Battle Ground, Washington, my mentor told me…“I want to challenge you to stay here for thirty days and then ask the Lord how long He wants you to stay after that.” At least she didn’t ask me to complete the entire one-year program. Ask anyone who knows me well and they’ll tell you I’m not one to back down from a challenge, so naturally I accepted. I took that 30-day challenge to appease concerned loved-ones and because I was confident I could survive a month in rehab. In my heart however, I believed I was incapable of completing the program and remaining clean once I left, even though that was truly my desire.

In order to cope with my new surroundings, I told myself the lie that I was different than the other women in there, that I was somehow better than them. I told myself I was stronger than the addiction. My empty confidence was apparent to the other women in rehab, who mocked me when I bragged to them I would be sitting at home on day #31…and I wondered why they didn’t like me???

My days in rehab were packed with four Bible studies a day, an hour of prayer time, and three church services a week. I quickly found myself forced to feel all the feelings I had avoided for years…insecurity, fear, rage, hopelessness, rejection, failure, deep sadness and physical pain, just to name a few.  I could no longer disassociate my emotions from my physical body as I had done for so many years as a means of emotional survival.

About two weeks into my stay, during one of our early morning prayer sessions, I became extremely anxious and wanted to leave again. I paced back and forth commanding God to help me. I told Him, “God you know me, I’m about to leave this place. I can’t slow down. When I’m in Bible study, I can’t wait for lunch, when I’m at lunch I can’t wait for the next Bible study. You better slow me down before I split this place!”

Fast forward: two days later I was really craving a cigarette (that I couldn’t have) and the only thing that seemed to calm my anxiety at the time was to go for a walk, so I approached my case manager and asked her to take me on a walk outside (since I wasn’t allowed to leave the building unsupervised). She replied “I’ll have to take you later Sister, just go back to your room.” I insisted, “You don’t understand, I am freaking out, I need to walk.” She repeated her previous answer, so I took matters into my own hands and walked out the door. I couldn’t wait for her to make time for me, because I wasn’t good at waiting, most addicts aren’t. I found some small boulders on the property and began jumping from one to another like a little kid, but not with the grace of a mountain goat. I missed the third one, fell and broke my ankle.

Two women rushed out to carry me to the car with my foot dangling from my leg. Driving to the emergency room I was in the back seat and the Lord said “Now be still and know that I am God.” I could imagine the smirk on His face as He said it too. I started cracking up, because I knew it was His answer to my prayer just days before.

The surgeon inserted a metal plate and eight screws in my ankle that day and put me on bed rest for ten days. That was THE worst punishment for me, my anxiety was going through the roof because I was now forced to be still and wait as I healed. As a drug addict, I wasn’t good at waiting. I wanted it yesterday, not even immediately was soon enough.

My prescribed bed rest was about to come to an end when I received an urgent call from the surgeon who told me I needed to come in for another x-ray on my ankle. The x-ray indicated that I needed another surgery and they just “coincidentally” scheduled it on… yep, you guessed it…day #30.

I sat in the hallway waiting for my ride to the hospital AGAIN.  With my ankle elevated and a frustrated look on my face, I thought to myself, “I’m supposed to be going home tomorrow. I’m never getting out of this place and “The Girls” are going to make fun of me even more now.” As I sat there anticipating the ridicule to come, my pastor’s wife and my director approached me. “Well, well Michelle it looks like the Lord is having you stay longer than you thought? This reminds me of what a shepherd would sometimes do to control a rebellious little lamb back in Jesus’ day…In order to save that wandering little lamb from itself and its predators, the shepherd would lovingly break the lamb’s leg and carry it on his shoulders until it healed. The only time he would set the lamb down was to eat and go to the bathroom. Most people would think that once the lamb was healed it might run as far away from the shepherd as it could, but on the contrary that lamb when set down stayed close to the shepherd and never left his side.”

That became my story.

As the two ladies walked away the Lord spoke to me and said “Michelle you’re not going to run away from this place, you’re not even going to walk away.”

In the four and a half months I was on crutches waiting to be healed I grew so close to the Shepherd and decided to give my whole life to Him and I have never left His side since. I committed to stay there until the Lord released me, which was a total of eighteen months, definitely longer than I originally committed to. I guess those girls were right after all.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4