Abandoned by God

Original Post October of 2013

I used to feel Him all the time as a little girl, knowing He was with me wherever I went, even when I was in trouble and sent to my room. I used to make up songs to sing to Him and I could tell He really liked my singing! We did everything together. Jesus was my best friend.

Fast forward twenty something years…I was having a hard time with who God had become. In my mind, He left me and was way up in Heaven sitting on a throne where He judged me and every other sinner. It was like He had a G.P.S. unit on me, so He knew where I was and what I was doing wrong. He was not happy with me, in fact He was very disappointed and mad at me! He would look at me and shake his head from side to side in disgust saying, “Get it together, will ya? You know better!”

Down on my knees in prayer I would beg Him not to leave me. Over and over again I would pray “Please Lord don’t leave me, please Lord. I’m so sorry for messing up, please forgive me. I’m trying, I’m really trying this time!” I had so much fear of not “making the cut” and Him leaving me again. I knew that He could never love me or even like me with ALL that I had done, but I was still hoping He might let me into Heaven if I did enough good deeds and didn’t mess up anymore.

Fast forward another year…I was really struggling with anxiety over some inappropriate thoughts I was having, so I went on a “praise walk” through the forest with someone and began thanking the Lord out-loud for the blessings He had given me, just trying to get my anxiety to calm down. We decided to sit down on a bench and pray it out. With a very heavy heart and my head bowed, I began crying out to God. “Lord, I am so unworthy. I am so unworthy. I don’t even know why you chose me? I keep messing up! Please, please don’t leave me.”

As my head hung down in utter shame and insecurity, I felt the Lord come down off His throne and kneel down beside me. He put His arm around my shoulder and looked at me. To my shock and dismay, it was JESUS, MY FRIEND-the One I knew when I was little!!

He gently said, “Michelle, I AM the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I didn’t change, just your view of Me did. When I said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you, that meant I would never leave your body. I have always been with you and I always will be.”

Tears poured from my eyes and dripped off my face. I felt so happy to have my friend back and so relieved that He wasn’t going to leave me! That truth was HUGELY eye opening for me; from the time I got saved by confessing that Jesus was my Lord and Savior, He had been with me and had never and will never leave me! That was the day that the Lord healed my fear of abandonment (with Him at least). “Know the truth and the Truth will set you free.” John 8:32

This revelation was not just for me, it’s for YOU too. Take the Lord at His word today and be set free in this area like I was.

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